A few summers ago when Bertie was still a human prince and lived in the palacehe was just a little bit bored because the only thing his father the king would talk about was his annual garden party. The theme that year was to be Sweet Smellsand all the sweetest smelling people in the Kingdom were to be invited. Most of them were girlsas it turned out. There were to be sweet smelling flowers with sweet smelling blossomand the most fragrant honey and different types of aromatic teas - and the gardeners were busy clearing all the green slime out of the pond and pouring perfume and aftershave into it to make it smell nicer. Colin the Carp wasnt at all pleased - but Bertie didnt know him then - and Tim the Tadpole wasnt even born.

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In those daysBertie had yet to set eyes upon the Lovely Princess Beatrice. She and her wicked stepmother still lived in a far away place called Wales. I think I told you about that once before.

Well if the truth be toldthere was a bit of a stinky whiff wafting around the The Castle where Beatrice lived with her stepmother. It was suffering from blocked drainsyou seeand that summerthey were very blocked indeed.

The newspapers reported that the Lovely Princess Beatrice was going around with a clothes peg on her nose. At firstwhen Berties father read about thishe almost laughed his head off:

I was planning to invite the Lovely Princess Beatrice to my garden partyhe said. But I dont think I had better risk itbecause she probably pongs to high heaven.

When The Wicked Queen heard about this insultshe was furious‘So that stupid old King thinks my daughter smells does he? Well before the Summers out well see whos the biggest stinker of them all.

So the wicked queen commanded all the top scientistswizardsand druids in Wales to concoct the stinkiestfoulestmost pungent pong - ever createdand thento load the pong into a rocket. And when this was doneshe gave a note to her ambassador to deliver to Berties father. It read:

Invite or stink !

When he received this noteBerties farther flew into a frightful rage: He stood up from his thrown and railed at the Ambassador Kindly inform that malignmaledictivemalodorousQueen of yoursthat we dont give into blackmail hereor even to Stink Mail. She and her smelly daughter arent invited to my partyso there!

But at night he couldnt sleep for worrying about the stink bomb landing on his summer garden party and all his fragrant guests being covered in foul-smelling sewageor whatever the Wicked Queen meant to drop on them.

And thats why Prince Bertiewho was hanging around the palace looking just a bit boredwas summoned. The king sent him to Wales on a Top Secret Mission to Stop the Stink. Bertie had to choose a disguiseand he decided upon a traveling Jester.

And so Bertie arrived at the Wicked Queens castleand presented himself as an entertainerwho wondered the highways and byways on his skateboardtelling funny stories and performing clever tricks.

That evening after dinnerhe was invited before the Royal Family. Bertie did a little dance and shook his floppy hat with a bell on the end. Then he made a bowand waited for a ripple of warmwelcoming applause. The king yawned. Bertie saw thisand his mind went blank - even more so than usual - and he couldnt remember a single jokeeven though he was usually brimming with them. After about half a minutes silencethe Wicked Queen said,

Hes useless. Dump him in the dungeon.. But… but…protested BertieIm just having a bad day. Usually Im the funniest jester alive.But the guards were already sweeping him towards the door.

Heyhave you heard this one?called out Bertie. What sort of dog doesnt smell? One without a nose. Ha Ha! And can you say Iced Ink very fast several time over?

The Lovely Princess Beatrice saidOh Please dont take him away. Hes rather sweeteven if his jokes arent really that funny.

Meanwhile The king was muttering to himselfIced ink Iced inkI stink

Ha Ha HaYou said you stink!called back Bertie.

Take him awaysaid the Queen in a very bored voice. I believe cell number five is free. The last unfunny idiot who was in that one departed yesterday -…. may his soul rest in peace. Ha !.

The guards took Bertie to the prison in the cellars of the castleopened up a hatch in the floorand pushed him in. Down down downhe fell. Oh nothis place is very dark and theres a funny smell. I wonder how far Im going to fall?thought Bertie. And then Boing! He landed on an old bedand the legs immediately collapsed. But at least he wasnt too hurt. All he could see was a little shaft of moonlight from a window near the top of the cell. Around midnighta guard opened the hatch and called out dinner. He dropped down a coldhalf eaten burger and a carton of orange drink. Enjoy your Big Value Meal Deal.called out the guard. Sorry I ate half your burger and all of your apple pie.

Oh dearsaid Bertie. I should have told them the joke about the man who went to the doctor and said he felt like a parrot….. That one always makes everybody laugh. But now Im going stay in this dungeon till I rot and die. Oh I wish I had never become a secret agent. Its not nearly as fun as it sounds.

Towards morningwhen it was just getting light again outsidehe felt something tickling his nose.

Is that a mouse?he thought?

And then he heard a sweet little voice whispering Jesteroh JesterPlease wake up.

A mouse that talks?thought Bertie. But then he realised that the voice was coming from up above. He rubbed his eyesand saw that it wasnt a mouse that was tickling his nosebut a silk rope dangling from the hatch door.

Quick. Climb upwhispered the voicewhich he now recognized as belonging to the Lovely Princess Beatrice. Quick as he couldBertie shinned up the silk rope and out through the hatch. Beatrice quickly untied the other end one of the window barsand they ran out before the guard came back from the Changing Room.

Beatrice led Bertie out of the castle and onto the dewy grass of the Kings daffodil garden.

Bertie looked gratefully at The Lovely Princess Beatrice and saidNow I know that the you are the bravest and cleverest princess in the entire worldas well as the loveliest.

Well dont tell anyone or Ill be in super big trouble,said Beatrice. And Bertie promised not to tell a soul. She led him down the path to a secret gate in the wallbut as Bertie was about to go through ithe remembered that he had come to Wales on A Mission. He wondered if he could let Beatrice into his secret.

She gave him a quick peck on the cheek and saidNow jesteryoud better be off before we both get caught.

I dont mean to shock you,said BertieBut Im not a jester - not really.

Really? Id never have guessedsaid Beatrice sarcastically - Your jokes were so side-splittingly hilarious.

Bertie was about to tell her the truth: that in fact he was a secret agentand that he had come to stop her wicked step-mother firing a rocket full of foul-smelling sewage onto his fathers summer garden party. But at that moment they heard a terrible voice screech out:

There they are ! Seize them!And they were surrounded by snarling dogs. The Wicked Queenstill in her dressing gownsaidWell well well. Romeo and Juliet.

And she ordered her guards to grab hold of both Princess Beatrice and Prince Bertie.

Oh no!Thought Bertie. Ill never get away now.

Two whole days went past. Bertie sat in darkness at the bottom of the dungeon. He knew that it was the date of his fathers garden partythat he had failed miserably in his missionthat all the sweetest smelling people in his home kingdom would be covered in foul smelling sewageand that he would finish his daysforgotten by all - even the Lovely Beatricein that terrible dark prison cell. He feltwellquite a bit down about that.

But when the time camethe Wicked Queen could not resist sending for Bertie so that he could witness her rocket take off on its way to way to deliver its terrible stink to its target. The soldiers led Bertie into the garden. His wrists were handcuffed behind his back. Every exit was guarded.

The rocket stood on the launch pad along side the tallest tower of the castleready for lift off. The Lovely Beatrice was sitting next to the Kingon a golden thrown that had been set up in the orchard. She was stroking her pet bunny rabbit and sobbing into her handkerchief. The king was reading the gardening column in his newspaper. But the Wicked Queen was wearing a yellow safety helmet and standing on top of a temporary platform. The guards brought the prisoner up to stand beside her.

My dear JesterOr should I call you Prince Bertie?snarled the Queen. How lovely to see you. I thought you might like to laugh along with me at this little joke Im about to play on your father.

Ha Hasaid Bertie. But he didnt mean it. At the same time he was wriggling with his hands behind his back to see if he could slip on out of the handcuffs. Soon after the Queen began to count down backwards.

1098. ….Her terrible voice echoed around the walls of the castle. Even the King looked up from his newspaper. Bertie kept on wriggling his hands. He hadnt eaten for two whole daysand he felt like he was all skin and bones. Surely he was thin enough to escape?

7,654…. Berties eye was on a red button on the Queens control Panel. It said AbortIf only he could press that button at the right momentthe rocket would stop its mission.

321 Blast-off !:

Screeched the Queen. And slowly the rocket started to rise from the launch padpushed upwards by a great ball of flames. Then everyone in the palace applaudedexcept for Bertie whose hands were cuffedand Beatrice who was still stroking her bunny rabbit. The Queen started to shout Stink! Stink! Stink! and all the people joined in shouting Stink! Stink! Stink! And Bertie kept on wriggling his hands. Everyones eyesincluding those of the Queen and all the guards were glued to the sight of the rocket hovering just above the castlebefore setting on its way to deliver its terrible smells to Berties Kingdom. Suddenly Bertie felt his hand slip out of the cuff. His now free hand shot out and hit the red abortbutton. It started to flash and beep and the queen shrieked Who did that?She manically pressed the button marked StartBut it was too late. The rocket stopped in mid air and came crashing down onto the roof of the castlefrom where it rolled into the garden belowlanding right the middle of the Kings prize daffodils. There was an almighty explosion and the air was filled with sewage flying in all directions. Everyone was covered in it. Bertie started to run. The guards were far to busy holding their noses and saying pooh what a pongto notice him jumping into the Kings Rolls Royce and speeding off down the drive.

Bertie drove and drovetaking a secret road through the mountainsuntil he reached home. He was just in time for last part of the his fathers garden partywhich had been a sweet-smelling successuntroubled by stink bombs. As he walked through the crowds the guests held their noses.

Is that Prince Bertie?they whispered to one another. He doesnt half pong.Bertieshouted his father when he smelt him. Go and take a bathimmediately.

But ButI saved you from the stink bombsaid Bertie.

Right this minuteshouted his father. And so Agent Bertie had no choice but to go and take a bath. The problem with being a secret agenthe thoughtas he soaked among the soap bubbles,Is that your mission is so secret that nobody knows how jolly brave you were.

But The Lovely Princess Beatrice knew how brave he was. And although she and her bunny rabbit were covered in bad smelling stuffshe didnt mind that muchbecause at last she had met a prince who had got the better of her wicked Step mother.

And thats the Story of Agent Bertie.

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